Restructure by Nick Cooke



You’re gonna get known as Mr Apology

if you keep saying sorry for stuff we none of us feel bad about

we at top table

where we assume you wanna be sat


….So get out your shovel and start in on the business

of whacking your precious core values over the back of the fucking head

and burying them in the deepest of pits

in your otherwise pretty little rose garden

out of efficiency not malice needless to say

nothing personal            no space for regret


When it comes to the moment you just take out your pen

can it really be so hard to draw a straight line through a name or two

or fourteen in this case but the principle’s the exact same


Oh you must be shitting me with the hangdog bridgeofsighs alaspooryorrick palaver

or are you rehearsing for some godawful amdram panto’ll be emailing us all about in the Christmas runup

like us lot got nowt better to do than drag our weary carcasses

down some fleahole reeking of damp and flop

and watch your lamearse ilk

prance about in tights & wigs doing what you

….not so secretly wish you’d been given the gift for

instead of having to rub your bony shoulders

against our broader not to say wiser ones

for the rest of recorded history


Try and take the long view if that’s within your compass

and if you really must go on about wounds

to the body private or corporate

remember that today’s gangrenous gashes are tomorrow’s battle scars

honoured and revered by anyone whose fingers trace

their crimson grooves





Do sit down and thank you for dropping in

I’ve so enjoyed our tête-à-têtes over the time

….you’ve been with us how long is it now


Is it really that long


Yes I know it’s all in the file but I wanted to keep this


You know               breezy if not exactly bright


Of course you’ll be aware

there’s been a lot in the wind and not much of it savoury

concerning the plans to make us more viable

when it comes to the old b.l. if you get my drift


Yes I’m well aware this is education not a business

but more and more the reality is


I don’t want to sound cynical believe me


….I hate to use phrases like there’s got to be winners and losers

but very regrettably we’ve had to draw up

a list of criteria

a kind of checklist for being as fair as we possibly can

on the very vexed subject of who

   we can give good news as against

those less favoured I mean fortunate


And I should stress this is all still on a

purely consultative basis


Now it has to be said your sickness record isn’t what

any of us would like

and with more than eight days in the last month

I’m afraid O.H. are now involved and you’ll shortly

be getting word they’d like an initial chat


Nothing to worry about in itself

but it is among the redflag zones to use the jargon much as we all hate it

along with learner complaints

  of which of course there’ve been quite a number

on your feedback forms this term


Please don’t get upset


There’s really no need for that tone


I understand you’re feeling


But really the terms on offer are far from


Plus you should consider the generous exit package

in the event of early


Whereas I do have to warn you

if you stay and fight as it were



Yes I know you’re not looking get your mouth stuffed with gold






If you’d just let me


In that case I think we’ve reached


I’m not enjoying this any more than


Please believe me


We’ve always been good pals and I want it to stay that


I’m just offering friendly


I’m sorry you take that line


Obviously it’s your perfect right to consult whoever

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